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Mike

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(no subject) [Aug. 6th, 2008|03:46 am]
Mike
dude.  how can life be so great and so shitty at the same time?!!!?  in the city of all cities, i seem to ponder this all the time.  WTF!?



:-)
/
:-(
/
:-/
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New York, round two.... [Aug. 26th, 2007|07:26 pm]
Mike
While walking home from Carol's house at six in the morning late last night/early this morning listening to Nico's 'These Days', I realized that everything will be alright.  I remembered what it is about New York that I love, what it is that will make me be okay, and ultimately what makes this the perfect place for me to call home.

Things here have been rough. Im not going to lie about that.  There are both internal and external battles taking place and forces acting against me.  At the moment I am beyond financially unstable which is probably the most detrimental factor to my diminishing mental stability.  After a month of living here under Rachel's roof, I moved into a place of my own, in Astoria (Queens) becoming roommates with a friend of a friend.  The apartment is nice, although inevitably too expensive for what it is.  I have no bedroom furniture and sleep on an air mattress that my friend Carol lent to me.  Luckily the rest of the apartment came furnished as Danny, my roommate, has already lived here for a year or so.  The kitchen cupboards sit empty where my portions of food should be.  Although I haven't weighed myself anytime recently, I can tell that I've lost probaby around fifteen pounds since moving in here.  Having put on a bit of weight at the end of school and after graduation, I cant say that part of me isnt happy to think "if Im not going to be able to afford food, at least it came at a good time."  Where did the easy times disappear to?

Ive got good friends here that have been helping to take care of me, for which I am eternally grateful to each and every one of them, each and every time they offer their assistance.  Although its been wonderful to have friends here, and people that I can occasionally see to lift my spirits, It has been hard to be here and not think that I would give anything (literally anything) to have my life from my last stay in New York back.  Everything was a little more simple then.  The complications were still there, but there was some level of evenness or karma or... something... that caused the rest to subside.  Where have I left my confidence?

A part of me misses Denison, my friends, my professors, and even my classes.  I miss Ohio in general surprisingly.  And more than anything I miss my family.  Some time in the last four years I've grown quite close with my mother.  I've come to terms with my family life and realized everything she's ever done for me and my siblings and all those around her.  I've come to terms with the fact that I was the man of the house from age five until the present.  And I've recently realized that my relationship with my mother is inexplicably different than most peoples relationships with their parents.  My mother has raised me to be who I am, and ever since young adulthood has treated me and treats me as close to an equal as possible.  There are no boundaries set, no walls put up and no barriers between us.  I can say whatever I feel the need to and we can have a discussion about things that most people would not have with their mothers... or mothers with their sons.  I miss her terribly and there are times I just want to talk to her more than anything else in the world.  She has been an impeccable parent and influence and has made me who I am today.  I could never thank her enough.  And in the end, I will have never been a good enough son to her.  Where did I misplace my values?

My relationships with people here are indescribably strange.  In a way that I think only New Yorkers can understand to its fullest extent, I feel both connected to a great many people, yet disconnected from everyone I know, even those I see every day.  I dont know what will come of some if not most of the relationships.  Its disheartening more than I could have imagined and at times its more than I can bear.  There are so many people that I care so deeply for on multiple levels.  It gets hard feeling like that love is not reciprocated, whatever the reason may be.  I just want to love and be loved.  Its hard to change who you are and how you feel.  But sometimes it's necessary I suppose.  I just want to love and be loved.  And have no complications.  Where did the simple life go?

In the end, I stay strong.  The days where my strength fails me, I put up a strong front.  I know in my heart that in the end, everything will be fine.  That one day in the future I will have everything I could ask for.  That the things that are somehow missing in my life will find their way back to me.  I know that I deserve to be the person I want to be, and the person I know I can be.  The easy times will return.  My confidence will be restored.  I will realize that I am a good person and always have my values.  And inevitably, in the end, I will have the simple life again one day.





There is no where to go but up.
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(no subject) [Apr. 25th, 2007|01:42 pm]
Mike
help!  im drowning!
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(no subject) [Apr. 21st, 2007|12:19 am]
Mike
well, its just been one hell of a day.

week.

month.

................................
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even more candid than usual... [Feb. 6th, 2007|05:41 am]
Mike
[Current Mood |contemplativecontemplative]
[Current Music |mushaboom - feist]

well, its been a really really long time since i've updated.  many times ive sat down with the intentions of writing something down, getting something off my chest, or clearing my mind.  in the end i always decide that i dont need to write or that i dont have the time or something else is obstructing my ability to type out an entry.......................


...........................

...sure.  i can sit here and be superficial and simple and say things like i cant decide if i want to grow my hair out or get a haircut and that i always have trouble making this decision at this point in my hair length.  or that school is really sucking because i hate my classes and that they are boring and stupid and ill never need to know the astronomy of the universe for anything ill ever want to do. or that my friends are really great even though they can be shitty sometimes. 

i can say those things... but would it be conceited of me to say that i usually dig deeper than that or would it just be honest?  i really dont know.  maybe its both.  either way fuck you, im writing out my thoughts.

i dont know who i am anymore.  no no-- i know there are some of you out there that are about to tell me 'thats just fine. you dont have to know right now. everything will fall in place' but i dont want to hear it.  i really just dont know whats going on in my life.  i dont know where im going, what im doing, who i want in my life, or even who i want to be.  i thought i had it all figured out, and sometimes i still do.  but this just seems to hard.  it all seems to hard.  in general.  is this all there is to life?  work work work with a little bit of play here and there?  people everywhere taking their exit cues while all along i sit waiting for them to forget to leave... or worse i wait for someone new to show up.  i am so afraid of the new people that come into my life because i always seem to get attatched to the people that are inevitably unattainable to me.  and not to be overly dramatic, but in the end- arent we all inevitably unattainable?  people come, but in the end, they always leave... one way or another.  why do we bother caring about the present when the future only holds constant disappointment?  this is all so candid for me to say because i always have all the answers... or at least thats one appearance i can normally keep up.


in the last 3 weeks, ive managed to have the metaphorical shit kicked out of me.  i once again left the place that i love more than anywhere in the world to return to granville, ohio.  ive skipped at least one (read: two) class(es) of each of the courses im in with the exception of my film production course that only meets once a week and starts at 1:30 in the afternoon.  I have slacked off on homework, despite my efforts to stay caught up.  i have come to the realization (and come to terms with the fact) that, scholastically speaking, i will not be able to graduate with the standing i wish i could.  i keep banking on the fact that once while in new york one of my associates said that school doesnt even matter for what i want to do and where ive been and what ive done scholastically will never even matter.  fuck, i hope thats the case cause i really took it to heart.  outside of scholastics i have had numerous intense and irrational fights with my best friend.  many times now she has questioned to me whether or not we should even be friends.  ive never doubted that.  why does she?  it seems although there is all of this new found drama that surrounds us.  perhaps its not new found at all... perhaps its always been there and ive just ignored it.  in the end, i just want it to go away. i wish we didnt have to get into it every single day.  big or small: i dont want to have a discussion about why we treat eachother the way we do or why i act a certain way or why she does the things she knows she shouldnt.  seriously...?  if we dont know the answers to whatever that discussion may already hold by now, then maybe we dont know eachother the way i always thought we did. of course, i dont think this is the case.  my computer has gone and died on me.  i mean, come on life... i can deal with just barely getting by, i can deal with avoiding calls from debt collectors, i can deal with knowing theres a good chance i wont do what i want right away so i can deal with money issues... but please dont start throwing me curve balls like needing a new computer.  and finding out my final film project will be completely independently financed (upwards of $500).  or paying my oh so unbelievable phone bill.  i cannot swing that.  ive had one man, whom i love more than he'll ever know tell me that it was over.  definitely over.  that he could never see us dating ever again.  yeah, things had been going in the general direction of him telling me that.  i suppose it was only a matter of time.  but i think it would have come as a shock no matter when the time.... and still would have hurt more than i could have ever imagined.  and its still not what i wanted.  i seem to continue to go for the which brings me back to the inevitably unattainable... what is my obsession?

in between here and there, i have had some good points.  although i have fought more with my best friend than i ever wanted to, in a strange way i feel like ive grown closer to her.  its our last semester and she'll never know or understand how much ill miss her.  im glad weve got time at all left to spend together.  im glad that after four yeras we're not completely sick of eachother and can just sit and have a giant piece of chocolate cake and be completely content with life.  in a self destructive way she continues to push herself from me in an effort to make the goodbye easier... but she doesnt realize that it wont make things different- it'll still be just as hard.  it will still be goodbye.  i have a decent job that i complain about a lot, but really its just work.  i work with good people that im slowly learning actually care about me.  yes they've all got their own lives going on, but the fact that i could have someone i work with (at a restaurant job, no less) call me up just to ask how ive been and see if i want to hang out makes me beside myself.  and lastly in a bittersweet way, i have fallen completely enamored with a boy (man?) that ive only recently gotten to know.  hes smart, hes handsome, hes witty, hes charming, hes sweet to me, hes fun, and hes above all adorable.  sounds perfect right?  so whats the catch?  he lives in wisconsin.  just as all the others... inevitably unattainable.  in the end though, he makes me happy and can put a smile on my face no matter what my mood... few can do that, and he mastered it in record time.
 
i tell myself (and other people) that im fine, but i dont sleep... i dont eat well... in general ive become a huge loner... am i really fine at all?







meh?  maybe i just need to go out, get drunk, and get laid.  love ya bitches. peace out yo.

.....if i get a comment or two maybe ill try to write in this more frequently.  fuck you, im needy. have we not established that?
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(no subject) [Dec. 13th, 2006|03:14 am]
Mike
so after this retarded heated debate in some stupid facebook group about a christmas tree, it all ended for me by some kid that ive never met calling me a 'liberal fag'.

its funny to me that
1) people get so upset about these stupid debates... i didnt even care about it, and just wrote my thoughts. i can see how people would think that i was upset... but no, thats just how i am- i directly speak whats on my mind. it was all started by a right wing nutcase that wrote about how there is a 'war on christianity' by 'the Left'. i responded to that and then it went back and forth. sadly, he wasnt even the one that called me the liberal fag. it was his FRIEND, who decided to jump into the conversation to defend him, and then wrote on his friends wall about how proud he was that he 'went off on "Michael 'im a liberal fag' Queen".

2) that insulting someones sexuality can become appropriate because you disagree with their views. whether he was using it as a general modern-day insult by just calling someone a 'fag' or if he was intentionally using it to insult me and my sexuality, i dont know- but either way i find it innappropriate and uncalled for.

meh?

paper due at 3:00 pm wed.
paper due at 11:00 am fri.
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psych kicked my ass, but i kicked psych in the balls. [Dec. 11th, 2006|12:54 pm]
Mike
welp.

one down. three to go. psych is out of the way (thanks to a little help from some 'friends') and i now know for sure that i passed the class and she wouldnt have failed me regardless i guess?

i am quite talkative right now. and quite thirsty. and quite hungry. and quite jittery.


and quite talky. ok done.

ummm. pretty lame update for having not updated in about a month. ha oops.

good luck to all of you. ill take your wishes of good luck too, thank you. ill need them.
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BIRTHDAY BIRTHDAY ON ITS WAY! [Nov. 1st, 2006|01:20 am]
Mike
A party not to be missed...

10 days from now.

WHEN:
November 11th.

TIME:
10:00PM-2:00AM

WHERE:
"The Unicorn Stable"
Sunset C, Apt 104
Denison University
Granville, Ohio 43023

WHY:
To celebrate the births of Rachel Hughes and Michael Queen.

THEME:
RED. RED DRINKS, RED DECOR, RED LIGHTING, RED OUTFITS.... SO WEAR RED!

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(no subject) [Oct. 29th, 2006|09:51 pm]
Mike
Dear Life,

I know how the saying goes. And I really do enjoy lemonade. But I think I have a batch big enough to last me for quite a while. Please- no more lemons for a while.

Gratefully yours,
Michael
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Dear YOU. [Oct. 22nd, 2006|09:28 pm]
Mike
dear you,
i never thanked you enough for giving me what you did. it wasnt a physical gift, but rather one of emotion and a sense of being. its hard to describe... really- you gave me everything about yourself you could. it meant more than you'll know. you helped me through a lot of pain, and it only pulled us closer together. i miss you terribly. from the moment we first saw eachother there was a connection. but now you're not around. its a weird feeling being connected to someone but not at all at the same time. im sorry that things have to be the way they are. if i had my way, they wouldnt... and i know the same goes for you. but that is life, eh? perhaps someday again... im glad you're still there in a sense.
love always,
michael

dear you,
im sorry im slacking off. you're a very nice person in general, and im only fucking myself over... i know. im going to promise to you and myself to try and do much better. especially with time management. you've been great so far, and i hope i havent ruined the relationship we have established.
thanks and sorry,
michael

dear you,
im sorry you think what you do about me. i never mean to hurt you. i think you are hurt far too easily by things that do not really involve you. of course, you always find a way to involve yourself in everything i do (not that thats always a bad thing). you're incredibly helpful and an amazing friend. i wish you knew i'll always be there for you... its sad to me that you cant see past the little things to see that. i dont know what else to say concerning the situation at hand, though. i just cant help how i feel...
love always,
michael

dear you,
i love you so much, and im sorry that i dont show it as much as i could. i think that you are stuck in between a hard place and a rock right now... and you're doing the best you can to deal. with yourself. with everyone. with everything. you've always been there for me and genuinely care for me, and i want you to know its reciprocated. you've always been something of a sibling to me, and i love you for everything you do... what i would consider to be your faults and all. thank you. for everything.
truly,
michael

dear you,
im sorry things had to end up the way they did. i wish that we could've had something stronger. i wish things didnt go downhill so suddenly. i thought for a while that they were getting better... until i found out how you felt. im sorry that i couldnt change how you felt about me. i thought you cared more... i thought you loved me the same that i loved you. it was more than difficult to find out how you really feel... i dont think you'll ever understand what i went through- although i have hope that you'll appreciate it, even if you dont understand it.
nostalgically loving,
michael


dear you,
you're a great person with a good heart. you're hurt too easily, and afraid to branch out but i can completely understand that. im glad you've opened up to me, even though im sure it scares the daylights out of you. i dont know what you think of me, really, and, sometimes, im not quite sure what to think of you either. but for the most part i think i get you. you'll be fine. thank you for being there for me when i need someone to talk to. i like you... you're a good kid. dont be frightened by me, im not that scary. ;)
love,
michael

dear you,
at times, i think you are truly one crazy fuck. most people think you're just insane, but i get you more than most people ever will. i know what makes you tick and i know how to control it. or at least i used to. im sorry that you've turned out the way you have and that you feel like you have to latch on to the closest thing you can. i wish i could help you. its true- i once thought i could... i gave up. its all up to you now, kid. you'll be fine, eventually. as annoying as i find you to be most times, im still always here if you really need someone to talk to. i know you dont have many 'real' friends.
with love,
michael

dear you,
thank you for giving me the opportunity of a lifetime. although, sometimes i had only the best for myself in mind, i am truly glad that we became as close as we did. you helped me through a lot just by being there and giving me something to do. you also gave me the opportunity to do something that no one else i know can say they did. thanks for the dinner, thanks for the drinks, thanks for the laughs.
appreciatively,
michael

dear you,
you. you are someone that has been there for me always. literally. no matter what you love me and think that i am the best person. i miss being around you... a lot lately, actually. you're always looking out for me, even if i think you're not. also, i dont tell you enough: you are an incredible person with a big heart. sure, you have your faults. we all do. but i dont think i know anyone that has been through what you have and has made it out with such class and confidence. you deserve more than ill ever be able to give you.
love always,
michael

dear you and you... and you too i guess,
i love you all to death. even when i hate you. each of you bring something different to my life, however minimal at times. whether or not, you're helping me to get through my senior year. im glad we can be what we are. whatever that is. you're all lovely. you all also have too low of self esteem. but it happens. to all of us. no, really- we've all been there. but we've had eachother to lean on sort of. thanks for making this a crazy place to be when theres nothing new happening.
bonding love,
michael

dear you,
you are such a great friend. you were really there for me, and we had some great times, eh? my god, they were amazing. down by the piers. queens. brooklyn. all over manhattan. BURGER KING! you fool. we could talk about anything... ANYTHING and stay cool with eachother. that made me so happy. i love you a lot and im so so so glad that we got to grow even closer. you needed something, and so did i. im glad we could fulfil that for eachother. i hope we will remain good friends.
love,
michael

dear you,
stop being a stupid piece of shit and get your shit done. you are in a sort of unhealthy state of mind, i think, and need to find a way to get yourself out of it. the late night conversations with yourself dont help, and neither do the thoughts you have. you said once you had that one thing, things would start getting better! well, now you have it... make things get better. you promised. you need to shape up before you're forced to ship out. start eating properly, stop avoiding work, and start getting shit done. most importantly, dont write any more letters to yourself.
love,
michael
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